Keeping this hella short /simple hopefully.
Thinking about chivalry as I’ve seen a few posts across my dash that got me thinking
About how much chivalry is framed in a western context and the idea of being adamantly against chivalrous acts is a white feminist ..thing.
How in communities of color chivalry perhaps has a different name, is something entirely different; pulling your own weight. Or something closer to that. That what brown folks do that could be perceived as acts of chivalry, are really just acts of kindness to their mujer for treating them with love. Not acts of power dynamics based off gender, but acts of love based of the need for survival.
And woc stickin with the folks who will treat them good is not a sign of weakness, a sign of giving into these, it’s a sign of recognizing that we too need to allow ourselves to be cared for when and how we want to on our own terms and by whomever we choose.
When chivalry ain’t about holding doors open for us, but it is about caring for each other because we need to nurture the relationships that everyone else/systems will try to break apart.
So I’m okay with the death of chivalry, because what I and we do is not and can not be labeled as such.
Alladis! The act of rejecting “chivalrous” acts is so laced in white feminism, individualist/bootstrap mentality, and sometimes becomes ableist. I hold the door for people because I was taught to be courteous, especially to older folks. A guy holds the door for on a date because he wants to show me that cares for me and he’s treating me to a good time. Giving your seat up on the bus for a woman because WOC work many hours and go home and work again. She’s tired. Because being a POC, you’re treated with little respect from others as it is. So it’s imperative that we treat each other with care in our own communities.
F: fuck yeah, big problem with feminism is (largely) an inability to account for collectivist cultures.
I think what the issue might be here is a blurry distinction between courtesy and chivalry.
The way I’ve always thought about it is, chivalry is someone doing something for you and expecting a favor. A dude helps me move, expects me to sleep with him at some point in the near future. A dude opens a door for me, expects a kittenish smile and batted eyelashes. A dude gets me a drink, unsolicited, at a bar or party, and expects me to drink it.
Courtesy is doing something for someone with no expectation of reward. A dude opens a door for me on the way into the store, and on the way out of the store, holds it open for a man, with the same mannerisms and attitudes toward the person he’s helping. He doesn’t expect anything from me or the other man. He’s just holding the door because he’s nice, not because I’m a woman that he wants to hold a door open for in return for a pretty smile.
That’s how I’ve always looked at it, as a WOC from a very close knit collectivist (South Asian) culture. Even among my fellow South Asians, I can easily distinguish when the guy is being chivalrous or courteous, based on my understanding of the distinction as I explained above.